A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, “So, how did the parachute jump go, son?”

Son replies, “Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to “do me” with his 12-incher!”
Father says, “Well, Son, did you jump?”
“Just a little at first” said the son.

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

“I want to live forever.” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!”

“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!”

“You crafty bastard.” said the fairy.

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

“You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge.

“Bastard!” the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.“Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”

A 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing.

Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for awhile and then says, ” You look ridiculous! What on Earth do you think you are doing?”

She says, “I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old!” 

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year old ass?”

She says, “Your name never came up!”

She was so blonde…                                      

      

1. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate”.

2. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. 

3. She got stabbed in a shoot-out. 

4. She told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK”. 

5. She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. 

6. She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order. 

7. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. 

8. She tried to drown a fish. 

9. She thought a quarterback was a refund. 

10. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. 

11. If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you’d get change back. 

12. They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. 

13. Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.” 

14. She tripped over a cordless phone. 

15. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. 

16. At the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”.. she put “Sagittarius.” 

17. She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. 

18. It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. 

19. If she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless. 

20. She studied for a blood test …and failed. 

21. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. 

22. She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. 

23. She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. 

24. She sold the car for gas money. 

25. When she saw the “NC-17” (under 17 not admitted., she went home and got 16 friends. 

26. When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. 

27. She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill. 

28. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. 

29. When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home. 

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.
The wife answers: “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for
you?”

The husband laughs and says: “An Italian girl!!!”
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: “So, honey, how was
the trip?”

“Very good, thank you.” “And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” She asked.
“The one I asked for – an Italian girl!!”
“Oh, that” she said
“Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it is
a girl!!!”

Moral of the story: Don’t tempt a woman, they are dangerously
intelligent!

This guy bursts into his house and shouts, “Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!”

She says, “That’s wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?”

He replies, “I don’t care-just get the hell out!”

An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

At the end of the funeral service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER 

Memory was something you lost with age 
An application was for employment 
A program was a TV show 
A cursor used profanity 

A keyboard was a piano 
A web was a spider’s home 
A virus was the flu 
A CD was a bank account 

A hard drive was a long trip on the road 
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived 
And if you had a 3-1/2 inch floppy ..  

… you just hoped nobody ever found out.

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Three friends — two straight guys and a gay guy — and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned.

They each had to come before St. Peter to be admitted into heaven.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife.
St. Peter shook his head sadly.
“I can’t let you in. You loved money too much.
You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

Then came the second straight guy.
“Sorry, can’t let you in, either.” said St. Peter. “You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously…
“It’s not looking good for us Dick.”

What’s dumb? Instructions on toilet paper. 

What’s dumber than that? Reading them. 

What’s even dumber? Reading them and learning something. 

Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you’ve been doing wrong.

25 Signs That Prove – “You’ve Grown Up” 

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them. 

2. Fooling around in a twin bed is out of the question. 

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 

6. You watch the Weather Channel. 

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.” 

10. Now you’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo. 

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling dirty jokes around you. 

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 

13. Your car insurance goes down. 

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers. 

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6PM. 

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 

18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.” 

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again.” 

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you.

It’s two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, “Hello?… How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” — and promptly slams the phone down. 

His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?” 

The husband replies. “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”

Q: What is the similarity between hemorrhoids and cowboy hats?

A: Sooner or later, every asshole has one

An old couple walks into the Doctors office. The Doctor tells the old man.”I need a urine sample, a semen sample, and a stool sample.” The old man turns to his wife and says. “What did he say?” The wife says. “He says he needs a pair of your old underwear.”

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